We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
