Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
