I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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