you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
