Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
