If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
