I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
