if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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