I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
