Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
