1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Will exercising make me less horny?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
