I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
