I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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