We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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