You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
