I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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