do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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