I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
