How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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