just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
