She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
