She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
