She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
