when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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