Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
