just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
