Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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