found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
