Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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