Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize