he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
