Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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