Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
