Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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