I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
