My hair reeks of homosexuality.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
