did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
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You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
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You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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