he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
