Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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