the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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