There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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