Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
