I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
