Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
