I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
