i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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