I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
