Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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