ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So much rum. So many feels.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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