This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
and you fell through a lawn chair
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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