I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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