just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
