chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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