11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
