if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
