We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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