I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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