Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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