I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
