This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
