Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
